*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels