ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
never deleting this app.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Anyone want a chair?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.