ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.