describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two