Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.