Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
You Might Also Like
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I think I’ll stand
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.