Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
From Facebook just now…
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom