Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Just a friendly reminder!
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.