Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks