If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
You Might Also Like
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”