Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Aaaa…CHOO!
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?