Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars