who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”