Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”