My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
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“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Wait a minute…
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.