Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
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SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?