As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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Aight bet
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.