Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
They’re not wrong
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”