i’m laughing very hard in real life
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Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Sniffing the broccoli
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.