Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
LOL!
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot