@EJGomez: me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi's fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend
@BoogTweets: If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
@joryjohn: [Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: "What's his name?"
Me: "The movie's starting, Ethan."
@vineyille: Office fun: replace your coworker's mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him "baby hands" until he quits
@BillPelicanBros: Cop: You were speeding so I'm going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
@daemonic3: [walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]