@EJGomez: me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi's fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend
@SirEviscerate: Are you eating Jell-O?
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: "No, what?"
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
@TheTweetOfGod: "Why do bad things happen to good people?" To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
@Jenn_H_Scott: It's okay, everyone. I know my 3yo's screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he's just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
@Tommytoughstuff: "Let's check in with Ted our correspondent in the field."
Ted: "Hey Bob I've been in this field for about an hour, and I'm super bored."
@JoroPotential: If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line "lettuce romaine friends" at a low cost of my student loans.