@EJGomez: me: can i have a coke
waiter: is Pepsi ok?
me: ya pepsi's fine
pepsi: i have a boyfriend
@TheCatWhisprer: My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
@Lovestained555: Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
@darrinfb: I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.
So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.
@3_livi: Homework. The teachers' way of knowing how smart the parent is.
@david8hughes: God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It's gonna take me an hour to carve 'Thou'