#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
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[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My biological clock is wheezing.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm