me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox