ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers