Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
screw you
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!