Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
You Might Also Like
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
what are they serving at kfc then???
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
This is me
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Buck naked
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*