Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.