Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
LADIES, imagine this.
It鈥檚 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I鈥檓 very clumsy
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I鈥檓 leaving
ME: please don鈥檛, I promise I鈥檒l change
WIFE: ok you鈥檝e got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
It鈥檚 as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn鈥檛 say what he thinks it says.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
me: i鈥檓 a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you鈥檝e made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don鈥檛 ever do that to me again
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it鈥檚 $19.99
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
dr frankenstein: it鈥檚 alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won鈥檛
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up