Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!