ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I will never stop laughing at this
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”