Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
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Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed