Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
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I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.