Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
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“I took care of your clown problem.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
scares
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.