me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
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If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”