When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Born to be mild.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME