ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
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There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Still a very good boi….
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.