Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶