Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps