me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.