Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?