Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
car not found
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”