Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
That’s it.I’m out.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird