When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.