ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
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vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.