Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
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Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
sin harder.