me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky