Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
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So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.