ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
no their not
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED