WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.