Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
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if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.