All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute