Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.